My Heart Penetrated by Jesus

I started attending church as an adult. For the past several years, I previously attended a very large, mainly white, affluent church. I began by attending Sunday morning and Sunday night services. I never joined, or committed to, the church. I was what they called a “regular attender”. I didn’t participate in Sunday School or attend on Wednesday evening. My attendance eventually wore down to, what I heard someone refer to as, a SMO (Sunday Morning Only). In this large sanctuary, I sat in the back. To paint the picture, I sat so far in the back, that I would watch the preacher on the wide screen behind him, because I could see him better.

A few of my extended family members attend there, however I would rarely see them, as they sat on the other side of the church. There are good people at this church. The church does a lot of good works in, and out, of the community. However, apart from my family, no one there knew my name. Oh I would be greeted by an usher, as he handed me the program, but that was usually it. I could miss church for a month, and no one would know. No phone call. No “we’ve missed you”. No “are you ok?” While I know that I wasn’t “connected”, because I did not join any small group, no one knew me. Basically, I came to the Sunday morning service, sat, listened and left. I never moved from “my place” in the back. I think I began to feel like since the church people didn’t know me or care about me, God, also, didn’t know me or care about me.

Over the past two years, I have experienced a lot of personal tragedy. There have been serious family illnesses, family deaths, the untimely death of two close friends, work issues, I’ve experienced health problems and had surgery. The list could go on. However, this past summer, well, it was bad to say the least. A tragedy occurred at work and a therapist was called in to have sessions with us. It was during these sessions that I first began to realize there was something “wrong” inside of me. I could easily feel “negative emotions”, but feeling the “positive” ones, well, that wasn’t happening. So, I began to read self-help books to “fix” the problem…even though I had no idea exactly what the “problem” was.

To be honest, I probably only attended church a time or two during the summer. I guess I had really quit. But there was a revival during the first week of September. I went a couple of nights. The second night I went, the preacher taught about “grave clothes” and feeling dead inside. There was an alter call and I went. Although there are “alter workers”, no one prayed with me; I just knelt down and prayed alone and told God that I don’t know what has caused the “void” feeling in my heart and I was through trying to figure it out and was tired of trying to fix it myself. I just asked the Lord to remove it. There was no miraculous change in me after that prayer; as a matter of fact, I didn’t attend church again until November 9, 2008, when I came to International House Of Fire.

Three of my co-workers attended IHOF. I had been there once, many months prior to November 9. And that, my friend, was an experience! I went there with another co-worker (and good friend), who had been invited, but didn’t want to go alone. We sat in the very back. I am not one to be afraid. I always “check out” my surroundings and try to anticipate others’ actions and behaviors, so there will be no “surprises”. However, I got so nervous in that building when the people began to pray. I got the kind of “scared” that made me literally sweat all over! I had never been that scared. Probably about 15 minutes into the service, I started thinking I could not handle this any longer and whispered to my friend “I am leaving”. My friend is one of those folks that “keep it real” with me. So, her response was “no!” you can’t offend them” (referring to our co-workers). I stayed, but probably told her I was leaving three or four more times. I recall a young man there testifying that he had recently quit using crack and had gotten a job. I thought “why is he telling about his crack use in church?!” I mean, I was glad for the young man, but this was church and he was talking about his crack use! After the service, my friend and I talked for about an hour on the phone, discussing what we had seen and heard.

The week prior to November 9, my co-workers, who attended IHOF, told me about a 3-day “conference” and invited me. I was 30 minutes late and I’m still not sure how I ended up going, but regardless, I went. Prior to the guest minister speaking, Apostle Tina talked and then prayed. I remember closing my eyes and just listening to her pray. I had never heard anyone pray like that before. The prayer sounded sincere and genuine. It wasn’t just one of those minute prayers, that’s usually heard in church, to open a service. I can’t remember what she said, but I can remember how it sounded to my ears. I’m not sure if my ears had ever heard anything that sounded sweeter.

During that service, I watched how happy the people seemed to be. I didn’t understand their worship, but I didn’t question that it was real. Several things that were said in the message, caught my attention, thus I ended up coming back the second night. However, this time, since I didn’t understand all the laughter and the “strange” things that went on, I had to sit in my car and tell God to make me have “an open mind”. I had to tell myself “keep an open mind”. The quest minister spoke to me that night. She whispered things in my ear that only God knew. Things I had felt and had said aloud in private, very personal things. I was simply shocked. She ended it by telling me this, “you deserve to be loved…let God love on you”. It was at that point that I realized God does know me. He knows who I am. While I had previously sat in my car and said I would keep an “open mind”…God began to open my heart.

I also went the third night and God ministered to me again in a powerful way. I immediately began attending my old church again, while continuing to be a “visitor” at IHOF. I was just over-whelmed with this feeling that “God knows me”. Me?! How can He know me?! While visiting IHOF, I began to develop a real relationship with God. I can’t explain how this happened. Honestly, it feels like I was just minding my own business and suddenly there He was! Oh, I knew “about” Him, but I was beginning to “experience” Him in a way that I never knew existed. It wasn’t much longer before I began to know that I had been “placed” at IHOF…God actually revealed this to me. My “place” was no longer in the back of the church. My “place” is now two-fold. First, it’s with Him. Second, it’s at IHOF.

In February, I stopped being a “visitor” at IHOF in my heart. I committed. Using Apostle Tina, and others, God has touched my heart and life. I am not the same. My heart is not the same. I am over-whelmed with love. I feel love from others and I feel love towards others. My heart has been healed in places that only He could heal. He not only knows me, but He loves me. I actually feel Him loving me.

IHOF is not “church as usual” and it’s not a place that one can come and “hide in the back”. It’s not a place where one can just come, sit, listen and leave. It has changed my life. He has changed my life. My heart was penetrated in a way that I never thought possible. I am thankful that I was easily accepted at IHOF and have also felt welcomed by the people there. I have never been exposed to such wonderful people. I am grateful for the powerful anointing Apostle Tina has on her life. I have no words to describe the thankfulness I feel towards her. Somehow she led me to this “place” with my Jesus. I get so very excited inside thinking about how much more there is of Him. I want it all! I want all that He will give to me.

Leann